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|Sunday, August 21st, 2005|
|I AM GONNA GO SEE TWISTED SISTER!!!!!
I am soooooo amped about going to Rock the Park tomorrow....it is gonna be sooo much fun. I cant wait to see Twisted Sister perform in costume and shit....it is gonna bo sooo cool. Almost forgot that I also have the System of the Down concert on Tuesday night as well....damn, busy week ahead.
Things have been on the up and up with me lately....took some shit to get there but its all good now. Had a wild work week, told the boss man off and even quit.....but it seems that we worked all the shit out and now things are a hell of a lot less stressful. Its cool. On the other hand, I am hearing that Trey is interested...so its all good. My hard work is finally paying off...so it seems...but who knows...all I know it that he is a hottie and I am diggin him but it is up to him.. I wont do a damn thing unless he is single...which he is not, but have heard that that fact is about to change. Damn he is hot!!!! We shall see.... I am not gonna get my hopes up.
Well that is all that is really goin on right now with me....besides that I am now up to losing 17 lbs on this diet I am on. I am happy about that. I am headin off for now....need to try and get some sleep. Current Mood: excited
|Tuesday, July 19th, 2005|
|An update on what I call my life
I am doing okay...at least I think so....or am telling myself that I am....not really sure which. Some days are really hard for me...I do have to admit, and they will be...with reason...but nobody really knows that. I dont really talk about it much at all. When I do, I keep it brief and let my inner thought stay right where they are. There are some things that I have written in here out of pure anger, and I realize that now. It happens. These past few months have been a real 3 ring circus, but at the end of the day, I know who my real friends are and I think I have some sort of grip on things. Some people I had to lose along the way, but maybe it is for the better. Tragedies in a persons life open your eyes to the big picture and it helps you to see people for who they really are....and how they treat you through it is key. For the ones that abused it, that is your loss that I am no longer there, for the ones that misunderstood it, well, there is nothing that I can do to change that. I am who I am ... frankly, I think I am one tough bitch! Yes, I am a passionate person, and some people dont know how to deal with that...and its funny how the few times I let people see the side of me that I keep hidden, they end up going the other way. Oh well. I have also learned not to dwell on shit anymore. I live for today. You never know if there is a tomorrow so make the most of every moment that you have available. I am getting my shit in gear....dieting, working out, and even got some news clothes to show for it. I am doing me...and there is not a damn thing wrong with that!!!! Current Mood: rejuvenated
|Friday, June 24th, 2005|
|Wow...cant believe 2 months has gone by.....
it is really amazing how time can just fly by but living it seems so unreal. It has really been a day over 2 months now and I still am in shock....cant believe what happened...but I am doing better...I think. I really dont talk about it that much anymore...I totally am keeping it inside. I know it. It seems safer that way....for myself and everyone around me. It also seems...scary to say...easier to do that...well, at least for the moment it does. I really do miss Chris though....more than anyone could possibly imagine.
My life on a whole has gotten pretty close to 'normal' again....with the exception that I feel like I barely have any time to myself to just chill. I have been keeping myself very busy and my friends are the ones to thank for that.. I am not going out or anything...but whenever I am home...usually someone is around..which I think is good and a blessing in disguise right now. This week is an exception though....been pretty sick with this damn vomiting and then the whole sinus clod shit that is going on now...it is ridiculous....cant hear too well...nose is always stuffy....and my eye keeps getting glossy and draining....it is really gross.....and I cant stand it...who the hell gets sick in the summer...well I guess I do!!!!!!!
I updated my profile on aol a week or so ago....made me teary but I feel good about it....says just how I feel without me having to say the words...it is perfect...well, at least to me. Anyways....life as I know it has officially gotten calmer than it was....and I am happy that it finally has....I dont even have the mood swings anymore....its great. Time can be a persons worst enemy and best friend at the same time...and finally I am seeing the good side of it. Current Mood: sick
|Tuesday, June 14th, 2005|
|Another night I cant sleep
So I am over my friends house and we are all bsin and i am tired as hell but as soon as i enter my house....it is like 2nd wind....now I cant sleep and my mind is full is visions and thoughts from the past. I think the main reason for all of this is because today i have decided that i cant dwell on the past and i can live in it either....meaning EVERYTHING!!!!! So, the escapade with shitface is really truly over and as for my family stuff.....I am gonna continue to just bury those thoughts inside because it seems to make me really actually feel better. I just refuse to cry over it anymore....maybe later I will change my mind but not at this time. I am just so sick of feeling so damn upset all the time...which I do. It is time for something new....what...I have no friggen clue...but something. It is time for me to retoughen up and get back to who I really am....do you think i am wrong???? Current Mood: determined
|Saturday, June 11th, 2005|
|A sucker for kind words...........
The title of this is very true with me lately.....I have fallen prey to some kind words from someone that I know I shouldnt. I am trying to be a bitch and all but for some funny reason beyond my control I cant seem to be when it comes to him.....and I kinda hate it. Dont get me wrong, he has seen me and my lovely sarcasm....but when it comes down to it...he always get to me....and I end up regretting it in the aftermath. He does make me laugh though...and I mean really really laugh...which I thought couldnt be possible right now. He also does make me feel good about myself....and I dont mean the typical shit... he says stuff that is VERY personal and some things that only him and I know about that we have done or seen or whatever. Why do I have to love his embrace....his touch...HIM?! I am so torn about this. I had no problem with this before...and was doing well at first...but of course when I just happen to see him...
Current Mood: crushed
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The title of this is very true with me lately.....I have fallen prey to some kind words from someone that I know I shouldnt. I am trying to be a bitch and all but for some funny reason beyond my control I cant seem to be when it comes to him.....and I kinda hate it. Dont get me wrong, he has seen me and my lovely sarcasm....but when it comes down to it...he always get to me....and I end up regretting it in the aftermath. He does make me laugh though...and I mean really really laugh...which I thought couldnt be possible right now. He also does make me feel good about myself....and I dont mean the typical shit... he says stuff that is VERY personal and some things that only him and I know about that we have done or seen or whatever. Why do I have to love his embrace....his touch...HIM?! I am so torn about this. I had no problem with this before...and was doing well at first...but of course when I just happen to see him...<no, I didnt call him>... I get weak inside. I hate that he is just so amazing to be close to....and no I am not talking about that. I mean..when he holds me I feel at ease...comfortable...which is a feeling that I really havent been feeling...forgot what it is like. When he kisses me, I feel on top of the world...like a queen...a world ruler. That alone sends me to another place...an amazingly wonderful place. DAMN!!!! I know that I do still love him....wholeheartedly....but I also know that I cant try and work this out...this is just wrong from the start. I think right now he is just filling a void that I feel in my life....and I just aint trying hard enough to fight it. He wants me to go away with him for a weekend....and yes I am dumb enough to be thinking about it....just to see what may come of it...what might be. this is very stressful.....enough on that shit.
Things at home are ok...I guess. I still dont really talk to my dad too much...he is so hard to talk to...usually when I try to he either gets mad at me or we fight....and I dont want to do that so I kinda back away. Eventually things will get easier there.
Same on the friend front as well....its been 3 weeks since I talked to my "sis" and it hurts but I am quite pissed off about that whole thing now.....I have tried on a few occasions to talk about it and say that I am sorry for some things...but now I feel that she has some things that she said that were really fucked up and the text that she sent me was way out of line...that flipped me off big time. I am happy that I didnt go with my gut instinct and go up there and say a few choice words about it. I truely feel like arguing with her is like arguing with myself. It sucks. Maybe it has reached the time when it is unrepairable...I am not sure...but as more time passes...the angrier I get.
|Tuesday, June 7th, 2005|
|Today is a good day.....
okay....so I thought I would be writing in this more regularly than I am.....but I refuse to basically write the same damn shit because my mind is all repeatative... I feel kinda good today.....not feeling depressed.....not feeling angry...feel relaxed.....quite tired but relaxed. I think that is pretty damn good. I think I got a lot of thoughts that have been lingering in my mind out last night....which I didnt really know I even needed. I do have to say that a few days/ weeks ago I was thinking that nobody was there for me and all that shit....that is not true at all. I was just penting up sooo much that I didnt want to see that I really do have some great friends that are genuine and that really care about me. At this time....it is such a great feeling to know that I have that. There are a few people that I inadvertantly hurt along the way...but they need to understand that I really cant still be held accountable for my actions. I am getting better and I am starting to see a glimpse of my "old" familiar self..which I am relieved about....but I am still quite lost within my life right now....I must say....thinking back on the past month....I have been very abnormal and out of character....didnt really give a shit about anything....couldnt shake this lonely heartbroken feeling....and everytime I tried to make myself happy.....things would come crashing down.. well, I am trying my damn hardest to get back to my calm, carefree, relaxed self that I once was. I do know that it is gonna take a shit load of time.... but when I come to terms with all of this....I will be back with avengence... I just really dont want to lose any sense of self or anybody close to me....that would be way more than I can handle. I do feel that I am slowing "losing it" but I am no longer afraid of that. I am afraid to cry though. I dont want to. Dont get me wrong I have a few times...but I just dont like to be the weak one in front of people. The very few that have....I truly hold dear to my heart and trust them like you couldnt imagine. my advice to anybody that may read this is to make each day of your life"happen". Make the most of it....stay true...never back down...and keep those that are close to you even closer...you never know when something can just change that. I know .... in one months time I lost my brother, my love of my life and my best friend. All different senses of loss....one for the better and 2 that are killing me....but all the same....my heart is really killing me and I cant take any more pain. That is why I am gonna change things around slowly for myself.....make a "life plan" of sorts. When i know exactly what that is ... I will write it out so I NEVER forget it!!! Again....to all of those that are in my life in some shape or form....I appreciate you being there....to all my friends and fam....I love you all dearly...I will be alright...in due time. Current Mood: creative
|Tuesday, May 31st, 2005|
|Things are moving along.....I guess
This weekend I accomplished a whole lot of nothing.....didnt really do shit.....oh wait....I did pretty much finish my bathroom.....big deal....but otherwise really didnt do much....went shopping and actually bought some clothes.....cant believe it myself...I havent done that in a pretty damn long time....and I did chill out with my neighbors for a bit....EVEN had the house to myself a lot and I didnt freak out!!!! That is pretty damn good for me lately. No phone calls from shithead, thank god!!!!!!! I have been very very very good about that. Dude, I really do feel that it is finally over....which I do realize now is definately a good thing.
Had another dream with my brother in it.....freaked me out....but I think that is totally normal. I tried to talk about it but it seemed like nobody wanted to listen to me....so I am keeping it to myself. I still can't muster enough strength to go to the cemetary......I do try but can't physically bring myself to actually get there. I will in due time....I know. All in all, I am feeling a little bit better today than I have over the past few weeks....so I guess that is a start. I guess there is some hope for me. Well, its late so I better get to bed and try to sleep......nite nite all. Current Mood: calm
|Wednesday, May 25th, 2005|
|Yet another though-filled day!!!!! Welcome to MY WORLD OF SHIT!!!!!!
Not feeling as shitty today.....maybe it is because I worked my ass off today......back to the days of NO REST at work.
Didnt want to wake up and get out of bed.....really didnt feel like doing a damn thing....but I gotta keep pressin on.....my bro would kill me if I just stayed home in bed....actually today was the first time that I felt like that since he left this world. I really miss him. I miss coming home and pickin on him about shit....girls....tv...games...comics....y
a know ... the shit an older sibling is supposed to do... no more ... I really feel lost in this world right now. dont get me wrong....I am ABLE to have a good time and have fun and shit....just when I do....eventually my thoughts catch up with me and I feel worse than I did before. I just have so much on my mind right now that it is hard to keep a decent thought. Been keeping up with making changes in my present life that I lead....and they seem to be going well....but that doesnt mean that I am okay in any kind of way....cause I know that I am not. I can hide it VERY WELL, but I am really hurtin....and I feel that it is okay.... there is nothing wrong with feeling pain, hurt and anger all in one shot. I know that I do....very little anger but it is there. I really cant believe how much of an impact one person can make on another persons life. Another valuable lesson learned. I wish that someone would just take all of this away....but I know that is a ridiculous thing to even think....impossible. I think that is why I leaned so much on my ex when I did...to take away some pain and make me feel safe. In the end, he didnt....but for the time at the time...he did...and that was just what I needed. I still am too afraid to be like that with my friends....dont want to freak them out or make them scared. I will look out for them more than I let me look out for me.....always and and prolly always will. Very few have seen me vulnerable....and when I realized it.... I clammed up and held the rest in. I have a lot of security issues....more now than ever.....I just cant handle losing anyone else in my life. I dont need a man or anything to make me feel special or something....cant think of the correct words to use....but I do need my good friends around....because this house of cards that I call my emotions are slowly crumbling down....hopefully someone will be there to catch me...cause I am definately falling. There is only so much that I can hang onto on my own. Thanks for listening to my fucked up head. Current Mood: blah
|Tuesday, May 24th, 2005|
|HOLY TOLEDO I FORGOT ABOUT THIS SHIT............
So i realized today that maybe typing in here could be a good thing for me......I cant believe I forgot about this damn site.......its cool.
Anyways, things have been very very very rocky for me lately.....seems like I have no control of myself at times.....and that is scary....I get definate mood swings and have been doing things regularly that are way out of character.....and I dont fully understand it..... I mean I dont mind the forgetfullness or the happiness meaning deliriousness....or even the trances that I seem to fall into lately.....but I dont like that I have had 2 mini 'mouth rages" in a months span......Maybe all of this is just really starting to sink in.....I really dont know...but it is really beginning to freak me out.....especially due to the fact that I feel that I cant freak out!!! I feel that I should be more of an adult and I do know that I am bottling things up.....even more than before..... I am not talking about what is going on in my mind and so when I do have a chance to.....I am tending to make choices that are completely unthought out.
I really really really miss Chris. Everything that I do I think of him. I dont really admit it because it hurts too damn much....so I am supressing those feelings....and I am beginning to finally see that. Can you believe that yesterday was a month!!!!!!!!!!! I sure as shit cant......I think that only my friend Nicole remembered cause she made it a point to talk to me about it and see how I felt and shit. I could be wrong. I think that some of my friends are more "scared" to talk to me about it for fear of how I will react. Funny....cause I think that the more that I talk about it....I realize it....and it sinks in a bit more.....which means closer to seeing the truth. I have been such a dumb fuck because of all of this.....all of my past mistakes I have let back into my life.....and all of the people that I hold dear in my heart I have totally been pushing away.....I am just so afraid....and so hurt.....scared.....and when I realize that I am acting in those manners I tend to do dumb things so I can supress them. I totally see it....I am not a dumb bitch.......but I have been a total bitch lately.....unwanting to be......it just seems easier to be....cause then is the only time that I dont totally feel upset and confused.I just wish that people could understand what I am going through.....but I really feel like nobody does.....and that is what makes all of this soooooooo hard. I know that I have my dad to talk to if I want to, but I am not ready to do that.....we are just starting to form a good relationship....and anything more than the present just seems like too much. Just one ? before I go........why is it that I will do ANYTHING to listen to any of my friends when they need me.....big or small issue....and when I have something life altering happen in my life I feel like nobody wants to help me....I need my friends right now more than ever and I feel like they sometimes dont want to hear it. i dunno..... I need a break from this....
For those who have been putting up with me lately.....I love you so much....for those who cant take me anymore.....bare with me....I dont mean to be this way....I cant help it....I think I am slowly going insane!!!!!!!!!! Current Mood: crappy
|Tuesday, August 12th, 2003|
|I KNEW IT!!!!!!!
I cant say that I didnt think something like this would happen......Justified tour cancelled for the time being.....sorry ...postponed.....Dude, the fuckin structure that hung from the ceiling fell and ruined over a million dollars worth or videos, lighting, stage equipment and stage structure.....DAMN!!!!!!!!!!! Only in Jersey can things get so fucked up that they have to stop the tour. i will now proclaim Thursday to be "Justified mourning day" I just cant believe this shit.....of course I have to somehow be envolved.....my fuckin luck Current Mood: pissed off
|Monday, August 11th, 2003|
|Forget what my last entry said.
I swear when can I have a break?! I mean this past week has just wrecked havic on my heart, brain and soul. For some sick reason I feel like there is more to be done as well. Yeah, I have issues. Justin is in 2 days.....still not a "biggie" yet, I think its cool that I am going but still a bit in a 'mood'. Some thick shit went down this weekend and it really tore me apart. I can say that I have thought things out and all but I just dont understand why certain people have to feel the need to make my life shittier than it already is. Wait, lemme take some of that back....it aint total crap but it can suck. It just sucks because a night that I have been looking forward to for months, cried for tix and all that shit, thought everything was gonna go smoothly....well, yeah fuckin right. I am a lil upset and a tinge pissed that my friends cant come to the show, but oh well. What really hurts is the unnecessary bullshit that I have to deal with concering my dad and his gf. Ya know what, yeah, I am sensitive, and all at times, but really, if you wanna knock me down and make me feel like shit, at least do so to my fuckin face. I will always be deeply hurt by all of the words that were said but honestly, it may make me sit down for a bit but it aint gonna knock me the fuck down. I am so sick of the horseshit that I have to deal with sometimes. I think I have even become immune to it to an extent. Yes, I realize all of this stemmed from a concert...and that it is very ridiculous, but at the same time that is what makes it hurt so much. Bottom line, it is something that is important to me. I dont boast about many things, but this I feel is something to. Ok, getting emotional, maybe that is good.....gonna take a mind break......head is hurting....will vent more soon.
Current Mood: tired
|Friday, July 25th, 2003|
Okay so I am just chillin out and decided to read my past entries since I havent been on here in a long time....and man, am I always that negative?????!!!!! I mean I really think the entries have such a bad nasty feel to them......maybe I just see things differently now. It seems like I felt like everything was messed up and wrong and everyone was out to get me....which I do know that isnt true. I dunno....just baffled by how my mindset has totally changed since I started writing in here... Current Mood: amused
|Saturday, June 7th, 2003|
|OH MY GOD!!!!!
ALL I HAVE TO SAY IS THAT THE GUIDOS HAVE LANDED AND INVADED BICE IN TOWN!!!!!!.. So now I am afraid to hit up any local townie spot cause I went, saw, laughed my ass off, and left as quick as I could. I figured nice lookin place...always seems to be hoppin....blah blah blah.....well, its a old folk fuckin home!!!!! All Soprano wannabes and their hoes!I felt like I was 2 in this joint!!!!!! OH GOD>>>time to recoup! Current Mood: embarrassed
|Sunday, June 1st, 2003|
So I am in a good mood today.....actually quite happy for NO apparent reason.....that is a good thing....right?! Didnt really have a productive day.....just cleaned a lil....which sucks...I hate sweeping....if only I can vaccuum everything...that would be so ideal.....they kick ass.....
Ok, so I see where my thoughts are taking me tonight and it is just toooooooooo weird for even myself.....oh god. Prolly gonna go get some new fish tomorrow.....that would be cool....gonna name it "kickass" just cause I can and cause it would be cool and totally kickass. I still am on my search for a new frog...a HUGE Arnold Schwartznegger type of frog....but have had no such luck....oh well....well, I hear someone walking around....think he needs the phone so I will be nice and go ......bed sounds good right about now anyway....later. Current Mood: happy
|Wednesday, May 21st, 2003|
|Another long day....
So today totally sucked......work was horrific.....I am so damn tired from all the stuff I had to do and all the BS that came with it. I can see now how tomorrow is gonna be as well......suckville!
My hands are still hurting from Mondays escapades with the lawn.....and the blister looks terrible! Got bug bits all over my legs......Imma mess.....well, at least the lawn looks great....right.....a brighter side.....yeah.....
Current Mood: blah
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So today totally sucked......work was horrific.....I am so damn tired from all the stuff I had to do and all the BS that came with it. I can see now how tomorrow is gonna be as well......suckville!
My hands are still hurting from Mondays escapades with the lawn.....and the blister looks terrible! Got bug bits all over my legs......Imma mess.....well, at least the lawn looks great....right.....a brighter side.....yeah.....<sense the sarcasm?!>
So, my friends are being weird towards me again.....we all went for our nightly walk and bitchout session and EVERYTIME I went to talk and say something, I got cut off like I wasnt even there....I hate that.....so in return, I just shut up and didnt talk....didnt have the want to after a while....whatever dude....dont care enough to bother.
This weekend coming up looks like a real gem.....all rain....<BOOOOOOOOO!!!!!> and really no BIG plans to speak of...might go chill out with Kristen and or Jason....nothing special......but cant wait for sleep.....cause I am really tired....well, i think I am gonna go and try to take a nap....
|Monday, May 19th, 2003|
|Back in Jersey again......yuck!
Anyway,I am back from my mini vacation.....it was pretty calm for me .... AVRIL FUCKIN ROCKED!!!!!!! what a kick ass concert that was!!!!! I also got to meet Rachel from rwrrbots. That was interesting since I mainly stared and looked quite psycho. Yeah, good one you dumb ass!!!!! She seemed pretty cool. Basically, time away was fun, relaxed a lot, and the ride wasnt too bad. Too tired for details.... Current Mood: tired
|Thursday, May 15th, 2003|
I cant wait to go tonight.....its should be awesome expecially since i am in such a need for a damn fucking good ass time......I have had so much on my mind lately that things have been a little hard for me.....i fuckin cried at dawsons creek .....just cause it made me think of things ... its weird....cant understand.....its been so long ......15 years and all and I just cant seem to get out of the trance that i sometimes seem to get into.....well, that is what i get for never really facing what i was feeling and just putting it aside cause it is easier....but i guess i really need to learn to deal with issues when they come up.....freak out if needed....ya know what i mean....anything BUT brush off..
Enough of that dramatic....sappy shit....I am sick of letting things get to me....that is why I see things in a different light now......no more flipping out!!!!!!
in closing....AVRIL>>>ROCK OUT!!!!!!!!!!! kick someass.. Current Mood: excited
|Sunday, May 11th, 2003|
|I am a head case.....
apparently i am a very fucked up individual.....more than i thought i already am.....i have been doing a lot of thinking all day and night....realized that i do carry a lot of hatred as well as heartbreak......no this is not me overdramatizing...this is what is goin on in my head. I alsodont understand why i push away the ones that i love....did it to family....friends....and Rob.....basically anyone that i care about greatly. my emotional wall is so think that it is almost impossible for most to see the light of day. To this day, everyone that i have ever deeply loved has left me....and those that are pretty damn close leave....prolly cause of me without knowing it. it is just so hard for me to let people in and for them in return to accept me for me. I am FAR from perfect....and frankly, perfect sucks.....but when i see that i can say that i love someone....anyone....i get scared....scared that they are gonna hurt me inanvertantly. i know that is why i am single and alone....cause i am all fucked up in the head still over stuff. I dont ever like to admit it and i do try to mask it...and i think that sometimes i do it pretty damn well. i aint that terrible of a person, right????? ya know what, i need a hug.....wheres kitty...... Current Mood: drained
|Thursday, May 8th, 2003|
|Wanna share something.......listen up!!!!!
I AM GOING TO SEE AVRIL IN A WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! aahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhh!!!!!!!!!! I AM FREAKIN OUT ...... I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO PSYCHED!!!!!!So, whats new.......ummmmmmmm ...... WHO THE FUCK CARES, I AM GOING TO THE CONCERT IN A WEEK!!!!!!!!!!! And that is all that I have to say......about that......later. Current Mood: ecstatic
|Thursday, May 1st, 2003|
|I hate having to make decisions.........
Ok, so I know that this subject of this totally makes no sense but it just tells how I am feeling right about now. So, I have come to realize this week that I am a really shitty friend/person/something like that. EVERYONE know by now that I am soooooooo looking forward to seeing Avril in a few weeks, but in the process somewhere I have no idea I didnt realize that someone I used to be close friends with is getting married THAT SAME WEEKEND!!!!!!! Well, the concert IS on a Thursday and all, but I hate to sound self absorbed but there is no chance in hell I will skip out early on a mini vaca to come home and gettted all gussied up to go to a wedding last minute and then sit bored the rest of the weekend. I know that sounds so fuckin shallow but I totally had shit planned and all and I really dont want to have to change that....especially this late in the game. Oh well, I do feel bad about it, but I gotta do what is best for me.....and with all that has been going on and all I desperately need a break from here! I dont even know how I am getting to MA yet......would love to drive but dunno if I should......might not have enough for train tix.....I just dunno..... I better get to thinkin about it though....14 days isnt a lot of time. I do know that in the end all will be good and fun. Current Mood: okay